


Twue Wuv

by akelios



Category: Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Crack, Kinkmeme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-20
Updated: 2011-03-20
Packaged: 2017-10-27 00:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akelios/pseuds/akelios
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only second rate sorcerer's raised on Disney use fairy tale curses anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twue Wuv

**Author's Note:**

> This is crack. Ridiculous, silly crack. With a slightly darker undertone. But it was meant to be crack.

The young man trembled, though he tried to disguise it. His hair was dyed black, badly, and was thick with enough oil and product that it looked like a lank, dirty helmet. I resisted the urge to drum the end of my pen against my desk and did my best to present a mildly interested mien.

"So, like I said, Mr. Marcone, sir. I can, I can be your wizard. Sir. I'm good. Really, really good." I doubted it. If he was any good at all, he wouldn't be in Chicago. Wizards of a certain power level tended to get run out of town by our resident wizard. Oh, he didn't do it consciously, but he ran them out all the same.

"I have no doubt. However, I am not currently in the market for a wizard. I have-"

I leaned forward and the man jumped, nervous. His hands flew out in my direction and before Hendricks could move, I felt a strange tingle of magic. The boy stared at me for a second, horror plain on his face and then pain wracked me. There was shouting, I recognized James' voice bellowing orders and hands grabbed at me, easing me out of my chair. Then the hands were gone, and it was dark and close.

Everything felt strange, but painless. I shifted and realized that what I felt pressing around me must be a blanket. Whoever had wrapped me in it had covered my head as well. I frowned, which didn't feel right on my face, and tried to reach up to push the blanket off. The cloth shifted, but not enough. Still frowning, and now muttering darkly to myself, I wriggled and shifted around.

A deep voice rumbled above me and then someone finally picked the blanket up off of me. I was on the floor, staring at some very large shoes. I opened my mouth to ask what the hell had just happened, but all that came out was a sulky, "Ribbit!"

"Boss?" James crouched down, getting to eye level with me. I tried to turn my head, to look at myself, but the movement was oddly limited. And I couldn't quite manage to lift my hands up.

"Pick me up!" Which came out, "Reep ribbit croak!" But James got the idea. I'd long suspected that the man was some form of psychic. He reached out and cupped me in one large hand, flesh warm against my belly and legs. James lifted me and rose, carrying me into the small bathroom attached to my office. He looked down at me, then up at the mirror.

"Now, don't flip out boss. We'll catch the little shit and make him change you back." He lifted his hand until I could see myself in the mirror.

I was a frog.

"RIBBIT!"

~

"Dresden?" The door swung open and a young woman with long dirty blond hair dyed blue on the ends peered out.

"Ah, no. Sorry. Har- Mr. Dresden isn't in his office today. I'm just cleaning it for him." She stared up at me; a sweet, professional smile in place. "Can I take a message?" I recognized her now, Dresden's apprentice, Molly.

"No." The boss wriggled around in the pocket inside my coat and the girl noticed it, her eyes going wide.

"Ah...mister? Your coat's...moving..." I sighed and opened my coat to let the boss look around. He chirped at me, and it sounded irate. Molly stared at the boss for a minute, her lips forming the word, 'oh' over and over again.

"He at home?"

"Ah, yeah. Yeah. But uh, he can't be disturbed. He's in the lab. He won't hear the door." She glanced at the old clock on the wall. "Not for another hour and a half at least. I can...I could take a look at him, if you want? Maybe it's something real simple to reverse." She opened the door to Dresden's office wide, inviting me in.

"You can tell he's not a normal frog?" I didn't figure she'd be relaying a blow by blow of this back to Dresden, so I didn't worry about her letting the secret of my mastery of the human language out.

"Well, yeah. I mean, first of all, he's a tree frog. So, you know, not native to Illinois. And I assumed you wouldn't just be carrying around a frog in your coat pocket for the hell of it. But, aside from that, I can feel the magic. It was a sloppy spell and it left a lot of residue."

I picked the boss up carefully and set him down on Dresden's desk. Molly crouched down in front of him, cooing and making baby sounds. I rolled my eyes behind her back. The boss was making a lot of noise, and I was pretty sure he was telling the girl where she could stuff her cute little noises.

After a minute she sighed and stood up.

"Sorry. It's a curse and I can't break it. It's kind of old school, it looks like. So...find his true love and have her kiss him. He should be right as rain!" She grinned, happy to have found a solution. I growled and picked the boss back up, tucking him back into the pocket. This shit only happened when Sigrun took a day off.

~

Someone was pounding on my door, slow and steady. I grumped up the stairs and closed the door to my lab, kicking the rug back over it.

"DRESDEN!" Hendricks. I'd recognize that bellow anywhere. Even if I was sort of surprised he'd managed all those syllables. I couldn't think of anything I'd done to piss Marcone off lately, so this had to be an emergency of some sort.

I wrenched my door open and started to ask Hendricks what the hell he wanted.

That was when he shoved a pretty little tree frog in my face. I jumped back, staring at him.

"What the hell?"

"Kiss the frog, Dresden." He pushed it toward me again. I laughed.

"Is that some kind of euphemism, Cujo?"

"No." He ground it out between his teeth. "Kiss. The. Frog."

"Why?" I looked at him, then back down at the frog. And then behind Cujo, to the lack of Marcone smirking at me from around Cujo's bulk. Then I stared at the frog some more. It chirped and ribbited at me, and made a gesture that I swear looked like it was pointing at me for emphasis.

I managed to stop laughing ten minutes later.

Cujo had come into my apartment by that point, shut the door, and was sitting on my couch with Marcone the tree frog settled on my coffee table.

"Okay. C'mere, squishy." I picked Marcone-frog up and kissed him, a quick brush of lips against smooth, cool skin. There was a popping sound and Marcone stumbled against me, bare ass naked. I caught him, trying to keep my hands and eyes in the safety zones.

It was harder than it should have been.

"So."

"So." Marcone tried to straighten up and fell against me again. I heard a snort from the direction of the couch as Hendricks rose, wandering into my kitchen area for a beer.

"Frog prince curse, eh?"

"So it would seem."

"Doesn't that have to be broken by 'true love's kiss'?" Marcone gave an inelegant snort and took hold of my head, guiding us together.

"That was not a kiss. This is a kiss!"

He was right. The first one definitely didn't count.

~

Molly leaned over the scrying mirror, grinning broadly as Marcone and Harry started to make out. She did feel a little bad for Mr. Hendricks, who was caught in the tiny kitchen, trying to disappear into the cupboards as the sounds from the living room got louder.

"So it worked?"

"I told you it would!" She waved her hand over the mirror, shutting it down, and turned to the young greasy looking man standing a few feet away. "Want me to turn you back now?"

"Yes!" He bounced on his feet. "I miss my wings!"

She nodded and murmured the incantation to turn off the spell and the young wizard melted, revealing the foot tall pixie she knew as Toot.

"Thanks for your help." She picked up the phone. "What do you want on your pizza?"


End file.
